By Via Douglas

Today, I wanted to write about something that has really stood out to me in my time of working with preschoolers. Three-and four-year-olds can be downright exhausting, and sometimes you find yourself repeating the same phrases again and again in small time spans. Frustration builds up, and you might get tired of dealing with the same thing multiple times when you think it should have worked the first. Many times, though, our corrections or reminders come out sounding harsh or impatient. Maybe when we discuss a child’s behavior with them, it seems accusing or like a lecture. I know that I haven’t always handled situations in an effective way, and I have also watched other well-meaning adults lose their patience.

“I told you to stop running!”

“Don’t hit our friends.”

“Can you please stop throwing the toys?”

“Why aren’t you listening to me?”

It becomes easy to get frustrated and even snappy. We usually have good intentions of using gentle voices and calm reminders, but sometimes it just comes out in a tone that sounds a little too angry or accusing. On the fifth time of reminding a preschooler to behave, it might not be as easy to sound as nice as it did the first time. Maybe you are dealing with multiple rowdy kids or trying to multitask. In loud environments with a lot going on, as you balance multiple responsibilities and conversations at once, overstimulation and stress can come on hard and fast. Often, later, it is common to feel guilty when considering how you spoke to a child. I truly admire the teachers and parents I have observed speaking calmly to their children and being so gentle and kind, even when the child must be driving them crazy.

Young children are still developing and learning. They are growing self-management skills, learning how to control impulses, and finding what is and is not acceptable behavior. With their short attention spans and curious minds, it is easy for them to continue behaviors both teachers and parents want to discourage. They have a tendency to get into trouble and repeat their actions impulsively. After all, they are in a phase of life where they are learning what to do with their energy, and they are also in a period of exploration. It is necessary to correct children and guide them through their behavior as we teach them, especially in regard to keeping everyone safe and running life smoothly. What matters is how these corrections and reminders come out.

Tone is very important when it comes to speaking with young children about anything. Especially when working with children regarding behavior. I think that a good rule of thumb is to remember that you are speaking to a young child, not an older child who should “know better” or an adult. Young children take on so many messages from the way their caretakers and other adults speak to them. If an adult they trust and love becomes easily annoyed with them, they pick up on that and will internalize the responses. Patiently giving gentle reminders in a calm and level voice goes a long way, and it will be more effective in the end.

Another point to remember when trying to remain patient with preschoolers is that you can expect to have to repeat yourself multiple times. Be prepared to deal with the same situations over and over again, and remind yourself to be just as patient the third time around as you were the first. Maybe take a moment to pause before you respond or correct a behavior. Get yourself in the right mindset to think through not only your tone of voice, but the words you choose to use. Preschoolers are in a period of development where they are learning how to self-regulate and build self-control skills, and this is not easy or quick. Every situation is a learning opportunity, even moments when you are dealing with a problem or unwanted behavior. Think through the way you want to speak and the words you want to use before you open your mouth.

When they interrupt each other or you, try to explain that you will listen to them after their friend is done talking. This teaches them how to wait patiently. If they continue to throw the same toy over and over again, gently tell them that you will have to put the toy away for a little bit if they cannot use it respectfully. This shows them how to be respectful to each other and the environment. Only a few days ago, I used that phrasing with the same little boys who had been hitting each other with stuffed animals over and over again for the past five minutes; it worked perfectly. When the child is running, instead of loudly telling them to stop running, try a more gentle approach of calmly asking them to pause and taking the opportunity to explain that they need to use their walking feet so that everyone stays safe. This teaches them self-control. Try not to yell or shout, since you do not want them to yell at you or each other, either.

Take a deep breath and be patient with yourself as you work with energetic and sometimes exhausting preschoolers. Give both them and yourself grace and handle every situation with gentleness and calmness. When you practice effective conflict resolution and walk through learning experiences in an appropriate way, they see the skills you use and are more likely to both listen to you and develop the same skills themselves. Patience is key in every interaction with young children. It helps you communicate in a way that shows love and care, protecting their feelings and your relationships overall. I find it helpful to set reminders for myself regarding my intentions for how I want to handle challenging or stressful situations with my little three-and four-year-old friends. Here are a couple of them as examples:

1. They are young and learning, so I need to talk in a way they will understand and relate to.
2. They deserve respect in every interaction.
3. If I am calm, they are more likely to stay calm, too.
4. I will keep my voice calm and gentle.
5. When I am intentional and patient, I will handle this challenging/frustrating situation better.
6. Is this a helpful and patient response?

I hope that this blog post was educational and helpful. Don’t feel bad about yourself if you need to work on patience or find yourself messing up every now and then, even when you try to be intentional. I do this too, and so do the best teachers and calmest parents I have observed. Just keep working on it, and it will get easier and more natural!